


You've Left Me Behind

by LiterallyFRIST



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mild Smut, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, The only bit of levity is the occasional mild smut I try to put in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 21:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14317284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyFRIST/pseuds/LiterallyFRIST
Summary: It's been two years since the end of the Reaper War; two years since Kaidan lost the only man he ever loved, and dealing with that kind of loss has never gotten easier for the retired Alliance Major.





	You've Left Me Behind

 

_It’s been two years. Nothing’s gotten easier._

Nobody paid much attention to the old Alliance veteran who lived alone in his apartment loft overlooking Vancouver Bay. Plenty of war heroes, in the end, preferred that they were left alone in peace — folks assumed he was no different. After the dust had settled, and all condolences had been spoken, people were eager to move on and forget. But there were others, like him, who clung on with stubborn hearts to the past that most found too painful to remember. Everyone had lost someone in the senseless tragedy that shook the entire galaxy two years ago: a father, a mother, a brother or a sister, maybe even a partner. That was what really hurt the most, the old veteran felt, as he stood up from his bed. Loss was in itself a special kind of pain that made him numb to everything else. Some days it eclipsed the constant ache in his left leg from broken bones that never settled right. The pain that tormented him day and night, month after month, haunting him even in his sleep, was an invisible one.

The Veteran rested his hand on the clear glass that stood between him and the outside world. Vancouver, like the rest of Earth, was healing slowly. The devastation it endured not too long ago left most of it unrecognizable, but waters of the Bay remained, stretching into the horizon, grey and lightless on that cloudy morning. Its vastness seemed endless, and in passing thought the Veteran likened it to his grief, his invisible wound. The Veteran’s brows furrowed, and his mind strained trying to remember, trying to feel something that remained of the man he lost.

The Commander stood by the window, leaning his hand against the durable glass. The Major was beside him, taking a short break from his reports to enjoy the company. After all, it wasn’t just any day that the Commander was given leave to see him at his apartment. In fact, this would have been his first time coming over there, and the Major liked the prospect of having him over more often. On a clear afternoon like that, it was absolutely stunning how the Commander’s deep blue eyes glimmered in the sunlight. “No wonder you love it here, Kaidan. Can’t help but admire the view.”

“Beautiful, huh, Shepard? Got the best view of the Bay from up here,” said the Major, but it wasn’t the view of the Bay he was admiring.

“You can say that again. Best views outside,” the Major could see a smile turning up the corners of the Commander’s lips. “And best views _inside.”_

The Major smirked as he felt the Commander put his hands around his waist. The things the Commander said were often so cheesy that he didn’t know whether to laugh or to groan, but either way, he still fell for it. “That was horrible,” the Major said, the Commander’s smile turning into a laugh. “But it works, if only because you were the one to say it.”

The Major and the Commander, falling into each other’s eyes, leaning into each other’s bodies, shared a longing kiss in the warmth of the afternoon light. The Major slipped a hand under his Commander’s maroon shirt, tracing his fingers across the contours of the Commander’s abs. He had missed this feeling, being this close with the Commander. All this time the Major hadn’t known anyone else who could make himself feel all right with losing control, and let the intense need building up inside him be his guide. His hand moved up from the chiseled shapes of the Commander’s abs and onto the firm breadth of his chest, and at that very moment the Major had thrown self-control to the wind. He kissed deeper, touched harder, and the Commander returned the favor by diving into the Major’s trousers and grabbing a handful of ass. For a brief moment, the Commander’s lips left his as he went to whisper in his ear, warm breath leaving goose flesh in its wake, “I want you.”

Kaidan searched for that warmth, but it was not there. He found instead the stark reality that he was alone in his apartment, as he had been for the last two years. Shepard was dead; there was no-one there for him to gaze into, no-one to lean on, and no-one whose lips had touched his own so tenderly yet with so much need. All that remained was a cold emptiness, a feeling like all the warmth and light had gone from the world and left Kaidan with nothing to live for.

Blue light surrounded Kaidan’s fist as he hit the window. A hoarse, desperate cry rang out of the his parched throat and reverberated throughout the empty apartment. _Why? Why did it have to be you? I loved you! How could you leave me behind?_ The reinforced glass didn’t shatter, nor so much as crack as it endured hit, after hit, after hit, until Kaidan’s strength failed him, and he slumped to the floor. His tears were coming freely now. The memories hurt so much, why had he not forgotten them? Why was he still here, two years later, living like he was only waiting for death? Why couldn’t he bear to leave Shepard behind in the past, like everyone else? “Shepard!” he cried out, but no answer came. He was truly alone.


End file.
